I recently met with a beautiful single lady who told me a variation of the story I’ve heard, and continue to hear, hundreds of times. She dated this guy for six weeks. He was great. Totally reliable, considerate, stable, and put together. After each date he called or emailed her to set up another date (in advance!). He praised her for having her act together and being sans drama. Things seemed to be progressing amazingly well. They started getting physical. You know where this is going, right?
The day after Thanksgiving, after a few days of little to no communication, he told her that he couldn’t continue dating her. He said that he thought she was wonderful, amazing, exactly what he was looking for in a serious relationship partner and potential spouse. Unfortunately, he wasn’t ready to be in a serious relationship. So despite his feelings for her he could not, in good conscience, continue enjoying her romantic company knowing that he would not be able to give her what she was looking for: a committed relationship leading to marriage.
“But if he thought I was so great, why did he dump me,” she asked, dazed and confused. I gently reminded her that he had told her exactly why he couldn’t continue dating her, and that when a man tells you that he’s “unavailable”, you must believe him and move on to find a man who is. Oh.
I think she understood and accepted what I said, but I feel like she did so reluctantly. Deep down inside she was probably still trying to figure out what he didn’t like about her or what she did to drive him away. Instead of being grateful that this guy was enough of a mentch to not string her along and use her for another six months before dumping her for the same reason, she was wasting her emotional energy trying to follow the teachings of the experts who coined the mantra, “he’s just not that into you”. Why else would he dump me?
So ladies, I’m here to give you some hopefully reassuring news: the fact that a guy dumped you is not necessarily because he’s “just not that into you.” It might be but, as in the case of our heroine, it might also be because he just isn’t interested in being in a serious, committed relationship…with anyone. The good men will let you know within a few weeks or less. The villains will keep you in play for months, or longer. The end result will be the same. You’ll need to move on and find a man who shares your objective of commitment and possibly marriage.
As we finished our conversation that beautiful and recently dumped lady told me that next time she’ll be sure to find out sooner if a guy is ready for a serious relationship. “If need be, I’ll just ask straight out,” she said. Hurray, a woman after my own heart!
Don’t worry about scaring a guy off by asking what his intentions are. If he’s interested and serious, he’ll be happy you asked. If he runs, you’ll have saved yourself a lot of time and heartache. Just ask my friend.