I to I Do

If You’re Not On a Date With Him, You’re Not Dating Him

Are you dating him?Some women believe that if they regularly hang out with a guy in a casual, group setting and there’s an obvious mutual attraction (chemistry?) then they are dating him. Can you relate to this? If you can, let me explain why you’re making a huge mistake.

Men love their freedom. That’s one of the main reasons so many of them remain single for so long. Marriage has tons of amazing benefits, but freedom is not one of them. That’s why men love hanging out with friends or at bars or parties or basically any venue where they might have the opportunity to meet new women. It’s like going out on safari with a loaded shotgun and a full tank of gas. The possibilities are endless, even if they really only exist in the part of the mind where fantasies reside. That pull of the unknown is so powerful that it often trumps the reality of an actual date with a real life woman. That’s why, unless they’re in a committed relationship, most men will try to keep weekend nights free of dates and open to the possibility of getting lucky. Now do you understand why he didn’t ask you out for Sat. night?

If a guy is really truly “in to you”, he will ask you out on a date, one on one, just you and he. If he’s not asking you out on that one on one, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t find you attractive or cool or interesting or etc. It does mean that he wants to keep his options open and that he’d rather roll the dice and see what comes up than give up his “freedom” and restrict himself to just one woman. No matter how great you two get a long and how much chemistry you’re feeling, he’s totally ready and willing to pounce on any new opportunity that comes his way that fits his latest fantasy plot line. In other words, while you might be great hangout buddies, you are not dating. If you convince yourself that you are in some sort of a dating relationship with him, you will have only yourself to blame for the heartache and anger you’ll feel when he actually does start dating someone else.

If you’re cool with hanging and flirting (and whatever) in a casual, no strings attached framework then by all means go for it and enjoy! But if you’re looking for a dating relationship that will hopefully lead to more, you need to find a guy who wants to date you, alone. It’s fine to initially hang out and flirt at that party or picnic or on that hike or boat ride, but if that doesn’t lead to a date, you need to move on to the next prospect. If bachelor number one gets serious and asks you out, you can revisit. Otherwise, you’ve saved yourself tons of frustration and wasted time. Just remember, if you’re not on an actual date with him, you’re not dating him.


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About Arnie Singer

Arnie Singer is a rabbi, author, and dating and relationship advisor committed to helping women of all faiths meet, date, and marry their Mr. Right. Arnie is also the founder of Jzoog.com, a dating and matchmaking site for Jewish singles.

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